Is there such a thing as defenders remorse?
I feel terrible for spraying mamabear in the face with the bear spray. I got a bit of the mist in my face when I sprayed her and my eyes, mouth, and skin were burning for hours.
I know it was self defense, but she was just protecting her cubs! It was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
A couple of days later, I'm feeling stronger and more confident in the bush than ever before. I guess it's a learning experience and testing my ability to react in life threatening situations. I know that I can do it for sure!
The day that it happened, I was given the option of either hanging out in the trucks for a while, or continuing on. I guess it's a motivation in me to be tough and push through that shit, but I went on. I was sampling within 1km of where I'd seen mama bear but this time I was with Chris (read: big strong bushman). All day I was shaking my head wondering if that had really happened... it definitely had. The next day, I was out with Chris again, working on my bush legs and my confidence. I was alright - a couple of spooks here and there and always checking over my shoulder, but since Chris was with me it was better.
The first day I was on my own, I started stressing while I was in the truck. I was cracking my knuckles and feeling a bit anxious. I guess it's the natural reaction to be a bit hesitant after an encounter like that. I was doing a base line so I wasn't too far from anyone, but I was still out of earshot. Once I got moving, I was singing along to myself and checking over my shoulder, being a bit paranoid. but I got through it, and today I was totally by myself again feeling right at home in the middle of the forest.
I guess it's one of those things that can't be babied - a fear that is totally rational, yet must be faced head on and recovered from pronto. If I had gone into the truck the day it happened, I would probably still be freaking out about it. I think that the faster one faces their fears, the faster they will fade away.
I still think about it, I still have the image of her face implanted in my mind staring straight into my soul, and I still feel bad for spraying her in the face for protecting her cubs, but it's done! I've survived it, and I'm a stronger and more confident person because of it!
Here's to life changing moments!
-C
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
I am SO lucky to be alive...
I am so lucky to be alive…..
Seeing as though I haven’t posted anything in a while, I decided that the first post in about a month should be a doozy. After making this decision, I called up my local grizzly bear and asked her to come and pay me a visit some point during the day. Here begins today’s story.
A late night last night had left me a bit tired and not feeling so hot today when we started our lines so as we began I was moving pretty slowly. I wasn’t flagging at super speed and I was definitely taking time to smell the flowers. That’s probably what allowed me to hear her. ‘Her’ being the mama bear who was strolling along my line with her two cubs. I was by myself in the forest with the closest person being probably about 500m in each direction from me. I’ve never come face to face with a bear before on my own so, of course, my first experience just HAD to be one for the storybooks.
Standing perfectly still, I wait and I listen.
“whoooff…….whoooff” I learned that this ‘woofing’ is the bear grunting and warning me that she is nearby. I was hoping that it was just a deer, as Chris had previously told me that deer or other animals sometimes make a noise similar to that one. I had my fingers crossed that it was, but I was prepared for the worst. If you have been reading my posts, you’ll recall the run-in with the bear that the crew had, and you’ll also recall the lessons that I learned from that (what I now can call a) low risk bear encounter. Something along the lines of: a) keep bear bangers nearby and already loaded just incase b) keep my bear spray in the outside pocket of my backpack for easy access.
I continue to hear the whoooofffffff noises, and I start yelling “heyyyy bear! WHOA bear! HEY bear!” getting louder and louder as the whoofs get louder and louder. Finally I grab my bear banger from my vest pocket and let ‘er rip.
The banger goes off (shot vertically in the air, as I was told!) and all of a sudden the ‘whooofff’ turns into a ‘kathump kathump kathump….’ Roughly translated to mean ‘I’m coming towards you!’. So here’s where lesson b) comes in handy. I’ve got my bear spray out in 2 seconds flat, ready to hit whatever is coming at me point blank. I haven’t seen what it is yet, I have no idea that it’s a GRIZZLY BEAR, and I also have no idea that she’s got 2 cubs with her. So here goes. The bear banger goes off as I’m still yelling, telling her where I am and hoping that she’s going to run away and protect her cubs.
Not quite.
Instead of running away from me, she’s belting towards me at full speed. Finally I see her when she breaks through the bushes about 20ft from where I’m standing. I yell a bit, scream, wave my arms, and grab the safety off of my bear spray. She runs away for a second and I’m so terrified that I am shaking uncontrollably. I’m yelling and screaming, and the all of a sudden she comes barreling back towards me and stops 8ft from where I’m standing, stands on her two back feet, and stares me straight in the eyes.
I. Was. Terrified.
I’ve never been so scared in my life.
All I could do was act on my instincts and do what I was told to do: spray. I hit her square in the face with the bear spray. I am barely able to hold the canister and probably couldn’t take a step without my legs turning to jelly and making me fall flat on my face. Screaming bloody murder while spraying mace was all I could do. She stood there stunned for a second, and almost hesitated before she turned around and ran. It was almost like she was thinking “hmmm, should I bother fighting?” I was still screaming and yelling when Chris rocked up. He had run at full speed as fast as he could from his line which was about 500m away from me and he found me sitting on a long shaking and hyperventilating with a half-used can of bear spray. It wasn’t until he got to me that I knew I was going to be OK and the bear wasn’t going to turn around and come back at me. We sat there for a couple of minutes, Chris comforting me and giving me a huge hug. I had the other two guys on the radio telling them that I was OK, unhurt, but had the scare of my life. We met up near the center of all of our lines and decided that I wasn’t going to continue doing my line (uh, DUH!) and that instead I was going to tag along with Chris and help him do his.
It was a great idea, and I really appreciated the company. Chris is definitely a woodsman and I felt completely safe with him nearby. All throughout the day I was thanking my lucky stars that I had had everything I needed nearby and that I acted on instinct and had taken action when it counted most.
If I didn’t have my bearspray, I’d be dead.
If I had hesitated for another second, I’d be dead.
If I hadn’t learned those lessons a few weeks ago, I’d probably be dead.
The What-ifs were haunting me all day. I know though that I’m alright and I did the best job I possibly could given the situation. Returning to camp, I find that out of all these seasoned vets I’m working with, no one has had an encounter even close to the one that I have had, and they have only ever heard of 3rd party stories of people having to use the bear spray in a legit situation.
I thank my lucky stars for the safety meetings we had, and for the stories and the previous ‘warm-up’ encounter.
*phew* I’m alive. And oh boy, am I happy about it.
There’s one for the story books!
-C
Seeing as though I haven’t posted anything in a while, I decided that the first post in about a month should be a doozy. After making this decision, I called up my local grizzly bear and asked her to come and pay me a visit some point during the day. Here begins today’s story.
A late night last night had left me a bit tired and not feeling so hot today when we started our lines so as we began I was moving pretty slowly. I wasn’t flagging at super speed and I was definitely taking time to smell the flowers. That’s probably what allowed me to hear her. ‘Her’ being the mama bear who was strolling along my line with her two cubs. I was by myself in the forest with the closest person being probably about 500m in each direction from me. I’ve never come face to face with a bear before on my own so, of course, my first experience just HAD to be one for the storybooks.
Standing perfectly still, I wait and I listen.
“whoooff…….whoooff” I learned that this ‘woofing’ is the bear grunting and warning me that she is nearby. I was hoping that it was just a deer, as Chris had previously told me that deer or other animals sometimes make a noise similar to that one. I had my fingers crossed that it was, but I was prepared for the worst. If you have been reading my posts, you’ll recall the run-in with the bear that the crew had, and you’ll also recall the lessons that I learned from that (what I now can call a) low risk bear encounter. Something along the lines of: a) keep bear bangers nearby and already loaded just incase b) keep my bear spray in the outside pocket of my backpack for easy access.
I continue to hear the whoooofffffff noises, and I start yelling “heyyyy bear! WHOA bear! HEY bear!” getting louder and louder as the whoofs get louder and louder. Finally I grab my bear banger from my vest pocket and let ‘er rip.
The banger goes off (shot vertically in the air, as I was told!) and all of a sudden the ‘whooofff’ turns into a ‘kathump kathump kathump….’ Roughly translated to mean ‘I’m coming towards you!’. So here’s where lesson b) comes in handy. I’ve got my bear spray out in 2 seconds flat, ready to hit whatever is coming at me point blank. I haven’t seen what it is yet, I have no idea that it’s a GRIZZLY BEAR, and I also have no idea that she’s got 2 cubs with her. So here goes. The bear banger goes off as I’m still yelling, telling her where I am and hoping that she’s going to run away and protect her cubs.
Not quite.
Instead of running away from me, she’s belting towards me at full speed. Finally I see her when she breaks through the bushes about 20ft from where I’m standing. I yell a bit, scream, wave my arms, and grab the safety off of my bear spray. She runs away for a second and I’m so terrified that I am shaking uncontrollably. I’m yelling and screaming, and the all of a sudden she comes barreling back towards me and stops 8ft from where I’m standing, stands on her two back feet, and stares me straight in the eyes.
I. Was. Terrified.
I’ve never been so scared in my life.
All I could do was act on my instincts and do what I was told to do: spray. I hit her square in the face with the bear spray. I am barely able to hold the canister and probably couldn’t take a step without my legs turning to jelly and making me fall flat on my face. Screaming bloody murder while spraying mace was all I could do. She stood there stunned for a second, and almost hesitated before she turned around and ran. It was almost like she was thinking “hmmm, should I bother fighting?” I was still screaming and yelling when Chris rocked up. He had run at full speed as fast as he could from his line which was about 500m away from me and he found me sitting on a long shaking and hyperventilating with a half-used can of bear spray. It wasn’t until he got to me that I knew I was going to be OK and the bear wasn’t going to turn around and come back at me. We sat there for a couple of minutes, Chris comforting me and giving me a huge hug. I had the other two guys on the radio telling them that I was OK, unhurt, but had the scare of my life. We met up near the center of all of our lines and decided that I wasn’t going to continue doing my line (uh, DUH!) and that instead I was going to tag along with Chris and help him do his.
It was a great idea, and I really appreciated the company. Chris is definitely a woodsman and I felt completely safe with him nearby. All throughout the day I was thanking my lucky stars that I had had everything I needed nearby and that I acted on instinct and had taken action when it counted most.
If I didn’t have my bearspray, I’d be dead.
If I had hesitated for another second, I’d be dead.
If I hadn’t learned those lessons a few weeks ago, I’d probably be dead.
The What-ifs were haunting me all day. I know though that I’m alright and I did the best job I possibly could given the situation. Returning to camp, I find that out of all these seasoned vets I’m working with, no one has had an encounter even close to the one that I have had, and they have only ever heard of 3rd party stories of people having to use the bear spray in a legit situation.
I thank my lucky stars for the safety meetings we had, and for the stories and the previous ‘warm-up’ encounter.
*phew* I’m alive. And oh boy, am I happy about it.
There’s one for the story books!
-C
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