Defenders Remorse?

Is there such a thing as defenders remorse?
I feel terrible for spraying mamabear in the face with the bear spray. I got a bit of the mist in my face when I sprayed her and my eyes, mouth, and skin were burning for hours.

I know it was self defense, but she was just protecting her cubs! It was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

A couple of days later, I'm feeling stronger and more confident in the bush than ever before. I guess it's a learning experience and testing my ability to react in life threatening situations. I know that I can do it for sure!

The day that it happened, I was given the option of either hanging out in the trucks for a while, or continuing on. I guess it's a motivation in me to be tough and push through that shit, but I went on. I was sampling within 1km of where I'd seen mama bear but this time I was with Chris (read: big strong bushman). All day I was shaking my head wondering if that had really happened... it definitely had. The next day, I was out with Chris again, working on my bush legs and my confidence. I was alright - a couple of spooks here and there and always checking over my shoulder, but since Chris was with me it was better.

The first day I was on my own, I started stressing while I was in the truck. I was cracking my knuckles and feeling a bit anxious. I guess it's the natural reaction to be a bit hesitant after an encounter like that. I was doing a base line so I wasn't too far from anyone, but I was still out of earshot. Once I got moving, I was singing along to myself and checking over my shoulder, being a bit paranoid. but I got through it, and today I was totally by myself again feeling right at home in the middle of the forest.

I guess it's one of those things that can't be babied - a fear that is totally rational, yet must be faced head on and recovered from pronto. If I had gone into the truck the day it happened, I would probably still be freaking out about it. I think that the faster one faces their fears, the faster they will fade away.

I still think about it, I still have the image of her face implanted in my mind staring straight into my soul, and I still feel bad for spraying her in the face for protecting her cubs, but it's done! I've survived it, and I'm a stronger and more confident person because of it!

Here's to life changing moments!

-C